The downside of brain surgery

I got a check up MRi on 07.11.11 and I go to Dr. Oro on AUG 1st for him to read it and tell me how I am doing. Even though I feel good, if he tells me all looks good it will be an extra piece of mind.

BUT, tonight while I was at the pool, I stood up from my chair (with Ryan in my arms) and I went to step backwards and walk around the table.  I tripped over a stupid curb and fell backwards landing HARD on the concrete (with an extra 45lbs on me from Ryan)  I landed right on my ass and hit my back/shoulder on the picnic table behind me.  Initially I didn't hurt (and I was glad I only had 5-6 people who witnessed the clumsy fall) BUT, as time passed and my anxiety about my fall set in I was a wreck.  I left the pool early and went home for some advil and rest.  I tried to take my mind off of my fall, so I went to sleep early.  I woke up about midnight and assessed.  I was tingly almost head to toe.  Even my lips seemed numb.  How much of this was stress? anxiety?  and how much damage did i actually do.  The pisser is - when Dr. Oro reads my MRI, will I be able to celebrate the good news (assuming that is what my MRI will show?)  or will a little of me think that i ruined the surgery with that fall..??  I jostled my brain, and just hope i didn't jostle that metal plate loose!

This is something that will always be in the back of my mind (no pun intended) and every time i fall or have an accident - my fears will resurface.  There is the downside of brain surgery.  (regardless of how great i feel daily)

8 months and counting . . .

"today was 8 months - post surgery. I have painting on a ladder, yoga, and tennis on my "TO DO" list this week - so I think I am doing OK."   as posted on my facebook.

I think that is a good summary of what is going on with me.  The upside is, I am able to be busy.  I am going going going, always.  Yoga and Tennis are for ME.  Then swim team, tennis and the pool for the girls.  And for others, I am doing lots of design/art/volunteering (my skills) work.  I have taken on enough to be busy.  I am not using my surgery as an excuse, because it seems I don't need to anymore   

I do tire at the end of the day.  I do still like to rest my head and neck, but I feel good getting on with things.

I got an MRI last week.  Going with my good date obsession, I made my appointment for 07.11.11.  I go on August 1st to see Dr. Oro.  (fingers crossed)

painting on a ladder, after my MRI, yoga in the park with (friend/yoga teacher) Nancy.

7 months brings legitimate pigtails

I am excited about this!  Finally I can put my hair up (in pigs anyway) and not have the reverse mohawk in the back.  I would have actually guessed that would have taken just a few months to regrow that long, but i was wrong.  It has been SEVEN MONTHS.

Now the time is really flying.  It is almost time for me to get another MRI to check my progress since my last MRI which was 6 months ago.  I will call soon and get my appointment and of course keep my blog posted.

Thinking about how I feel 7 months out - i will declare some victories and defeats.

First, a victory.  My anxiety is much less then it used to be.  I used to just think about a trigger (mainly anything involving my kids and them getting hurt) and I could whip myself into a frenzy.  Realistic or not.  It seems my mind might navigate those thoughts a little better. (no meds needed) I have had multiple prescriptions for anxiety that I take 1 or 2 and then give up on them. Mainly because the side effects are... anxiety.  SO, i am glad that has eased a bit.

A current defeat is my memory.  It is MUCH worse.  I feel (and am) scatterbrained. I don't feel like I connect like I used to.  The best way to describe it is feeling a bit ADHD. It sometimes takes me 3 or 4 times of reminding myself to do something to actually get it done.  Mentally draining because I can feel the lack of focus.  I also don't seem to be able to recall simple things - did i send that Thank You card?  deliver that birthday invite?  Did i get anything for Mothers Day? (i can't remember)  THAT is odd for me.  I used to be able to recall the smallest details.  I would say the memories affected are the ones from just before my surgery to present.

And, on the mend, my hormones. I was having more then the normal girlie mood swings since my surgery.  I am using birth control pills to even things out.  I think I am almost back on track.

One more note worthy item.  I started Adult beginner tennis last week.  Something I couldn't have done last summer.  I am no good, but I am having fun learning.  I am not sure if I am medically cleared for tennis, but so far no injuries.  I am going with the advice of Dr. Oro (pre-surgery)  If it dosen't feel good - stop doing it.  Usually I would do something and pay for it later.  But, so far beginner tennis hasn't gotten the best of me.

It is a reminder that while it has been 7 months, it has also only been 7 months.  And I guess brain surgery is a big - life changing ordeal.  And mostly for the better.  I still really enjoy (post surgery) sneezing and bending over to grab something or tie a shoe without getting a headrush. I still feel so fortunate with how everything has turned out.  Next post, life changes.

On to 8 months.....

beginner tennis, left  and little hair wisps in my pigtail, right.

6 months and or 26 weeks

May 16th = 6 months, but when you count the weeks it has been 26 - not 24.  Anyway you count it, happy 6 month anniversary to me.  I have been thinking for awhile that I wanted to celebrate someway with the girls and take them out of school to do something.  I wanted to go on a hike - but the mountains are still snowy.  The girls offered suggestions like - go to the bounce house, mini golf or bowling.  None of those screamed relaxing celebration to me.

Just as I was going to give up on making it a special day I decided that I would SEW!  Exactly what I haven't made time to do, like I had made time before my surgery.  I have a few projects ready to start on this morning and I can not wait for a productive day in front of pretty fabric and projects.

I have my (iced grande 7 pump) soy chai to my side and I am going to get to sewing.  I am going to pick up the girls at lunch time just to make it a little special, something different then my normal schedule.  We may end up and Indian Buffet - although I would be happy with Chipotles.  It will just be nice to have lunch with them.  Then back home for more sewing i hope - or a run to the fancy tiger for more fabric and maybe a new pattern.

 * see the the hair that sticks out in the back when i put my hair up *
annoying, but nothing to complain about.  I am lucky to have such long thick hair.

And so I can document where I am medically - I think i am back to about 90% of my regular energy/stamina level.  I am good on anything quick/short (a walk or a bike ride with the girls) I can walk up hills and I can walk fast.   If i have a busy - run everywhere kind of day when I don't get a break, I can really feel it that night or the next day.

I have very little numbness/tingling.  Pre-surgery I would go days without having sensation in my fingers, or hands, face or lower legs.  Now I might get a tingle (like my leg is asleep) and it lasts for 5 minutes.  It is also something that might happen once or twice a week.  I am also free to SNEEZE!  A sneeze before surgery would be one of the things that would make my face or hands fall asleep.  I used to try to catch them.. and I would be soo mad when I didnt and I had to have the cold sensation in my face for a day or two (just because of that sneeze)

My chronic neck pain is gone.  I used to constantly be rubbing my neck and shoulders (squeezing them) to feel a little relief.   The pain is in a different place now - it is a stiffness in my neck close to the base of my skull and hurts when I turn my head to fast or too far.  It is not chronic or constant - because it is when i have certain movements.

Medically i can't think of much more.  I am doing much better then I expected I would be doing.  I saw a quote that a friend posted on facebook acouple months ago and i love it.  "I take nothing for granted.  I now have only good days, or great days."  -Lance Armstrong

all of that comfort food . . .

5 months post op - 20 weeks. (in one sentence that seems like such a long, but then short time)  I am still being reminded by John to take it easy.  I am feeling so good that I forget to take pause.  I did try to start riding my spin bike again - I started with 20 minutes and then moved up to 30 and then 40 minutes.  The way that bike is built, you lean forward and it is heavy on needing shoulder and neck muscles.  Probably my weakest area.  It didn't go as well as I hoped - i over did it and paid for it for a few days.  I have since started walking the dogs more, trying for a fast couple laps around the park.  But the Spring is when I like to get out and about and i am always trying to loose those 5-10lbs of what i put on over the winter.  This year especially since I was spoiled with very decadent meals from everyone.  Not one was low-fat, it was soul food, comfort, healing food.  YUM.

ANYWAY, I figured if i couldn't exercise like I wanted I better change my diet.  For 21 days I ate very simple.  I had read parts of the Cinch diet and i tried the fast forward where you eat eggs, raspberries, almonds, spinach (salad) and yogurt. Then i added the proteins and i stayed away from the processed foods that i love.  I can fall into such a bad food pattern that i can eat Eggo/nutragrain blueberry waffles for breakfast and lunch, for days... then what i have i had.  no real food until dinner time.  Especially when you add in my (almost) daily starbucks habit of soy chai's.  Those had to be stopped also.  It was a good reset for me and I lost 8lbs in those 3wks.

I am feeling better, healthier.  I am sleeping good. Can you imagine - ME, getting a constant 7 hours each and every night???  and i realized that without my soy chai and caffine thru the day that I actually had more energy when I ate well.  (go figure)  I do love NATUAL energy - but i don't always prioritize it.

kicked out of physical therapy....

I knew the day would come when Gina cleared me and told me my range of motion was where it needed to be and the hours of core and balance work had paid off and left me strong and ready to be cleared to do things I used to.  I knew we were working towards this, and we were close but THEN..... ugh.  my insurance benefits are such that i get 20 sessions of physical therapy per calendar year.  that's it. I guess it dosen't matter what you DO - or why you need them, but 20 better be enough.  I had already gone 27 times.  By the time billing caught up to the calendar it left me with $1,000 balance.  (i was paying a percentage of each visit - and then was billed 100% for the 7 they wouldn't cover)  So luckily Mountain Valley worked with me on the bill and we are paying it off over the next few months. The real bummer is - no more Gina.. no more neck adjustments. I loved my Tues and Thursdays - neck adjustments were the BEST!  I am doomed to be stiff and sore.  Thanks Humana for all you paid during my 120 some thousand dollar surgery - but could you not spare me a few more PT appointments until Gina cleared me?

four months already

Where is the time going.  I had lost count on how many weeks it had been and so I sat down with a calendar and just like that it has been 16 weeks!  E V E R Y T H I N G is going as it should be going.  I actually seem to be forgetting and remembering things at the same time - as time passes. (if that makes any sense)

I barely remember any pain associated with my surgery.  I forget how (or if) it was painful to turn my head.  I only remember on New Years Eve- being at a party and wishing I had a lazy susan so I could just be turned from one conversation to another so I didn't have to turn my head to see or talk.  So, it must have been uncomfortable.  I don't remember all those days in bed and the hours I slept.  I remember being sick and needing a change of scenery. I do remember Christmas, but not the other 17 days of Christmas vacation.

I don't remember not driving for those 6 weeks and what I did instead (having to rely on John or friends).  Off the top of my head I didn't realize how many people brought goodies, cards and meals.  When I look thru the pile of cards that stacked up on the shelf next to my bed, some I don't remember seeing and some jog my memory of  - "oh ya - she stopped by and was in my room" or "they left those awesome cookies.." "those chocolate covered marshmallow grahm cracker things" or "she took my girls that day for a play date"

And - all of those people that took their time to cook for us, 27 families!  I have a special thank you in the works.  I feel so in debt.  I am also still in shock that there are that many moms in my neighborhood with serious-cooking skills.  Makes me feel like I am missing an important skill that I am suppose to have. (I thought cooking was optional)

The feeling of having to be fragile and careful is leaving me.  I can handle a trip to Costco solo and $192 later I can get it all back home and put away (including cat litter) without needing a break or nap.  I am just more thoughtful of how I lift of move something.

My stamina has really turned the corner in the last 2 weeks.  I have gone from resting daily (laying down before my day is over) to maybe just going to bed earlier.  I am walking more with the changing spring weather and I am ready for a little vacation where just a few weeks ago I passed on the chance to do Disneyland for a day or two.  I could have never walked the park for a day.

This week I am celebrating my 4 months with pushing myself to do physical activity everyday and have gotten back on my spin bike this week.  Also eating and sleeping better.  I have gotten into some lazy habits with my activity and eating lately.  It is so easy to indulge before a surgery and during recovery -  I need to turn that switch off.

So in summary - of what I remember - it has been a pretty good four months!  I have done more then I thought I would be doing, and I did it all sooner.  I think I had some things in my favor (in no particular order - here it goes).

1. An excellent surgeon,

2. a super supportive husband & family,

3. a "village" - with the most supportive and thoughtful friends

4. a great physical therapist who i trusted and who pushes me hard,

5. a positive attitude and much gratitude for what i have

6. the ability to quickly get off my pain killers/muscle relaxers that were making me feel so out of my skin (without addiction/etc)  My recovery was faster without them.

7. Ariel, the energy healer.  WOW, without her - i actually can't even imagine getting to the hospital in one piece.  It really helped my mental status.

When people hear for the first time that I have had this surgery- their reaction is usually to tell me how sorry they are.  I respond by telling them that I was so lucky to have had this surgery and that I am in a much better place.  It also takes me back to the days early last fall when I counted down the days (twice) and wondered how the surgery would go.  The anticipation was 10 times worse for me then the actual recovery.  Recovering was a breeze in comparison.

4 months - see how my hair is growing to the left.. it's about to get annoying.